I must, I must...increase my blog
I'm pretty frustrated with my own levels of production on this blog. My posting has been more sporadic and less profound than I imagined it would be. Mind you, I'm not exactly putting too much pressure on myself - best to leave it and let things evolve organically rather than forcing myself into a corner to write something on a particular point...
As Shumi said, LJ and I were away all last week and got back a few days ago. I took LJ home to Ireland where we spent most of our time in the countryside visiting with my mum and her husband with a day-trip to Dublin to see my father and a friend of mine who is about to have her first child (Oh, and the Guinness factory too, which was LJ's sole request when I broached the idea of a day in the big city). Now the prospect of going 'home' has kind of become a scary one in some ways. I've been living overseas for six years now, and this is the closest I've been to home (closer in that it's now a one-hour flight as opposed to a twelve-fourteen hour flight(s)). Last year I went back for the wedding of a friend and my sister's birthday which turned out to be a five-week hell of anxiety that ended with me asking my GP for something to 'help' the panic. I spent the next nine months on SSRIs which totally helped but threw into relief for me just how stressful these trips back were. Anyhoo...this trip was much much better in many ways - it was short (five days), we stayed at my mum's the whole time (no trooping back and forth across town to stay with different friends each night), and I didn't see that many people (less is certainly more).
I find the dynamics that exist for me with my friends back home kind of interesting and frustrating. I've accepted that a large part of how I feel about this is really down to me in that how I choose to interpret conversations and events can have a huge effect on my feelings. In a sense I can 'choose' how to feel about things. For the past two or three years there has been a sharp acceleration in the marriages, house purchases, pregnancies and ensuing babies and career progressions back in the homeland. The choices I have made in my life so far have removed me from this cycle or particular mode of living. Sure, I have doubts sometimes about my life-style, and frustrations with lack of funds, security... Going home is a challenge because it inevitably results in comparisons. I wish I didn't do this but I do and it's a toughie because on the surface the lads and ladies who stayed home (or at least didn't stay away quite so long) 'have' a whole lot more of the things that we are brought up to believe we want, or should want. When I say 'brought up to believe', I'm not really talking about my parents as they have been consistently tolerant and even supportive of my roaming, but more the direction that I, as a white middle-class educated woman am suggested I should want to head in by 'society' or 'the media' or whoever you choose to believe is pulling the strings on our desires. So...it does play on my insecurities (of which there are many) to see the other side of the coin, and I do struggle with feelings of inferiority and I do react defensively in order to justify my past choices and my plans for the future. While I'm getting better with this, (a few drops of Bach's Rescue Remedy has replaced the hardcore medication) a trip home still leaves me feeling a whole lot like a twelve year old in my self-doubt and snarky self-justification. I'm working on it though...
Getting back to where LJ and I are calling our 'home' these days was pretty sweet, as was catching up with Shumi on Tuesday and yesterday - she's paying me back in the abandonment stakes next week when she's off on a trip of her own, leaving me back to work at my part time job and at other times stuck to my desk trying to do a good job on our second semester essays. More on the essays another time. More on it all another time really...it's almost 9am and I'm only a fraction way through my daily blog-reading and news catching up. That or I could go back to bed for an hour...
Later.
As Shumi said, LJ and I were away all last week and got back a few days ago. I took LJ home to Ireland where we spent most of our time in the countryside visiting with my mum and her husband with a day-trip to Dublin to see my father and a friend of mine who is about to have her first child (Oh, and the Guinness factory too, which was LJ's sole request when I broached the idea of a day in the big city). Now the prospect of going 'home' has kind of become a scary one in some ways. I've been living overseas for six years now, and this is the closest I've been to home (closer in that it's now a one-hour flight as opposed to a twelve-fourteen hour flight(s)). Last year I went back for the wedding of a friend and my sister's birthday which turned out to be a five-week hell of anxiety that ended with me asking my GP for something to 'help' the panic. I spent the next nine months on SSRIs which totally helped but threw into relief for me just how stressful these trips back were. Anyhoo...this trip was much much better in many ways - it was short (five days), we stayed at my mum's the whole time (no trooping back and forth across town to stay with different friends each night), and I didn't see that many people (less is certainly more).
I find the dynamics that exist for me with my friends back home kind of interesting and frustrating. I've accepted that a large part of how I feel about this is really down to me in that how I choose to interpret conversations and events can have a huge effect on my feelings. In a sense I can 'choose' how to feel about things. For the past two or three years there has been a sharp acceleration in the marriages, house purchases, pregnancies and ensuing babies and career progressions back in the homeland. The choices I have made in my life so far have removed me from this cycle or particular mode of living. Sure, I have doubts sometimes about my life-style, and frustrations with lack of funds, security... Going home is a challenge because it inevitably results in comparisons. I wish I didn't do this but I do and it's a toughie because on the surface the lads and ladies who stayed home (or at least didn't stay away quite so long) 'have' a whole lot more of the things that we are brought up to believe we want, or should want. When I say 'brought up to believe', I'm not really talking about my parents as they have been consistently tolerant and even supportive of my roaming, but more the direction that I, as a white middle-class educated woman am suggested I should want to head in by 'society' or 'the media' or whoever you choose to believe is pulling the strings on our desires. So...it does play on my insecurities (of which there are many) to see the other side of the coin, and I do struggle with feelings of inferiority and I do react defensively in order to justify my past choices and my plans for the future. While I'm getting better with this, (a few drops of Bach's Rescue Remedy has replaced the hardcore medication) a trip home still leaves me feeling a whole lot like a twelve year old in my self-doubt and snarky self-justification. I'm working on it though...
Getting back to where LJ and I are calling our 'home' these days was pretty sweet, as was catching up with Shumi on Tuesday and yesterday - she's paying me back in the abandonment stakes next week when she's off on a trip of her own, leaving me back to work at my part time job and at other times stuck to my desk trying to do a good job on our second semester essays. More on the essays another time. More on it all another time really...it's almost 9am and I'm only a fraction way through my daily blog-reading and news catching up. That or I could go back to bed for an hour...
Later.
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