Where does the guilt come from?
For the first time in my thirty years I'm working at home on the home. Not inbetween jobs outside the home. While I am thinking about the next move in terms of education, I am also living overseas and do not yet have a permit to work. My partner and I are rennovating his mother's old house and while he goes out to work, I stay at home to do the house work. My days are busy: sure I keep the television or radio on for noise and company, but I rarely stop to watch or sit. There have been doors and window frames to paint, a kitchen counter to replace, backsplash to tile, furry grunge to scrape from cupboards and bathrooms, and a mouse infested basement to attend to. Much has been accomplished in the two months since we set up shop in Canada. I really enjoy cooking and have taken pride in producing healthy and yummy meals at dinner time and have kept on top of the laundry (which must, unfortunately be done in the mousey basement). I enjoy the work, I love watching the house begin to look better and better, I am not in way, shape, or form bored. Despite that, I feel guilty. Initially I thought that this had more to do with the reactions of others to my housewifery. I felt that they imagine me skulking around the house, sleeping too late, leaving piles of chores unattended to, renaging on my 'duties'. I have been guilty all the time.
While cleaning the kitchen floor yesterday I began to interrogate this guilt. My initial reaction was to be defensive. People were 'making' me feel guilty. They expected too much, did not appreciate enough, were too critical. What particularly irked were their attempts to 'get' me 'out of the house'. This was doubly frustrating given my perception of the inadequacy of the work I was doing in and around the house: I was not doing enough in the house, but being in the house also wasn't enough in itself. Or so I imagined 'they' were thinking.
Directing my frustration towards those around me has morphed my guilt into a kind of anger which is both only partially and temporarily effective. When the rush of anger has passed, I still feel guilty.
So, I've started to take a different approach and wondering if the guilt actually comes more from myself than I thought it did, that it comes out of an acceptance/assumption of a non-feminist reality and that this implicates me as much as the 'others'. What I mean, is that I assume that other people devalue housework which means that on some level I accept that reality. I have, much as I hate to admit it, bought into many of the concepts of success for women who work in the home, for women in relationships with men, for women in their own families and in the families of their partners.
I clearly need to think about this some more...
While cleaning the kitchen floor yesterday I began to interrogate this guilt. My initial reaction was to be defensive. People were 'making' me feel guilty. They expected too much, did not appreciate enough, were too critical. What particularly irked were their attempts to 'get' me 'out of the house'. This was doubly frustrating given my perception of the inadequacy of the work I was doing in and around the house: I was not doing enough in the house, but being in the house also wasn't enough in itself. Or so I imagined 'they' were thinking.
Directing my frustration towards those around me has morphed my guilt into a kind of anger which is both only partially and temporarily effective. When the rush of anger has passed, I still feel guilty.
So, I've started to take a different approach and wondering if the guilt actually comes more from myself than I thought it did, that it comes out of an acceptance/assumption of a non-feminist reality and that this implicates me as much as the 'others'. What I mean, is that I assume that other people devalue housework which means that on some level I accept that reality. I have, much as I hate to admit it, bought into many of the concepts of success for women who work in the home, for women in relationships with men, for women in their own families and in the families of their partners.
I clearly need to think about this some more...
1 Comments:
Re: Where does the guilt come from? First of all, are you really feeling guilt? The idea that what you are emotionally experiencing is guilt is the core of your blog … my first reaction was to challenge that … but I decided against it. For this response I will accept that it is guilt that you are feeling.
Start with the definition of guilt:
1. The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense.
2. In Law: Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty.
3. Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
4. Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
5. Guilty conduct; sin.
Then use the definition of the Logic of Emotion:
A person [P] feels guilty about doing [X], if and only if,
1. P has the preference to be punished, or atone for, or sufficiently apologized for P's wrongdoings, and
2. P believes that doing X was wrong, and
3. P believes that he/she has not been punished for, or atoned for or sufficiently apologized for X and
4. P has displeasure arising from attending to the fact that P believes his/her preference is not satisfied.
Guilt is the feeling that happens when we have a preference that we need to pay the appropriate price for a wrongdoing together with the belief that we did wrong and have not yet paid for it.
One might ask critically why anyone would think that people have a desire to pay for our actions.
Some suggest that one intentional framework might be one of justice. (It is important here to establish a definition of justice: The upholding of what is morally right, especially fair treatment and due reward in accordance with honor, standards, or law.) If a person has a strong enough sense of justice, then that sense is pained even when that person benefits in other ways from the injustice. Alternatively, some suggest that one may learn to expect punishment from wrongdoing and if the punishment is left hanging it might be more uncomfortable than if it was immediately resolved. Guilt serves a purpose herein. For example, if I eat a chocolate bar, despite my resolve to lose weight and eat healthy foods, I will feel bad. My feeling bad and angry with myself is satisfactory punishment and the issue is resolved. But, the resolution for weight loss and healthy eating has not advanced!
Guilt stands in contrast to shame when one is considering issues of right and wrong. Guilt is more concerned with notions of equalization, justice and pay-back whereas shame is concerned with self image and possibly with a focus on an ideal self image that one is striving to imitate or become. Also guilt by the definition, is a specific kind of indignation: it is anger directed at oneself for a specific reason, namely wrongdoing. Often the feeling of guilt is accompanied by a counter desire to not have to pay for the wrongdoing. As for eating a chocolate bar, I do certainly desire that it will have no effect on my figure or health, but as for your dilemma with doing housework …. what is it that you are worried doing this will effect?
Guilt gives us the opportunity to examine our notions of right and wrong. This is an area that could benefit from some strong reflective thought about whether or not one wishes to believe in justice that requires punishment. A person who truly doesn't believe in atonement of any sort, does not feel guilt. One might think that the notion of guilt is necessary to deter wrong action, but the penalty of shame is also a deterrent and could be as effective.
Guilt is an emotion I rarely feel, the most probable cause being my upbringing, that is, non religious. And it is an emotion that puzzles me, most probably for the same rationale. Inlaws are particularly challenging. Their actions do produce emotional responses from me, but more of frustration. As I don’t believe a word of their oft relentless criticism, I surely do not seek any punishment for myself or any need to atone. There are certainly merits to a non-religious upbringing! Sois sage, J.
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