PMS and the rest
I did something I promised I would never do. I deleted a post. I have been in an almightly funk the past week and a few days ago I got up in the middle of night, logged on, and wrote a 'last post' on this blog. I had been feeling quite discontent about blogging, and feeling frustrated because people would tell me that they read my blog but no-one was writing any comments or even responding directly to things I had written about. And I'm just not really a monologue kinda person (well, perhaps after a few drinks...). So, I got frustrated, and felt as though I should switch my focus to other projects. Which I should do, but as I've come to decide, that shouldn't mean any big dramatic quitting of the blogging, or throwing of the dummy. Because, I have to be honest, the blogging is good for me as it is, and I really do think it is up to me to press on with it. Anyway, to the point - I also have really shitty PMS. Which is usually something I say wryly on the phone with my mum or with my girlfriends, after I tell them about a big cryfest or chocolate binge I've had. When I realised that I didn't want to quit blogging I thought about how I would explain the deleted post/change of heart and I realised that I have to be honest because I know that, had I not been in the grip of the gremlin I wouldn't have written the post at all. PMS is, for me anyway, such a weird thing - it manifests itself so sneakily and so effectively that even after sixteen years of it I still get taken unawares. It feels very unfair at times that my personality and emotions can make such a dramatic shift without my consent or even knowledge. I usually notice after a couple of days that I am being negative, anti-social, weepy, overwhelmed by the merest things, and realising 'oh, it's PMS' does help. To a point. I've tried taking vitamin B and evening primrose oil, I've tried giving into the junk food cravings and I've tried fighting them with healthy eating. The worst part of the way my PMS has developed (it has developed and changed and has actually got much worse as I've gotton older) is the anti-social bit. I'm usually a really social person and I love to hang out with friends and chat on the phone. But for the past few days, as has been usual in the week before my period over the past year or so, I've been avoiding the phone like the plague, glad our voicemail is broken so I don't have worry about messages lying in wait for me. I'm down, I'm negative, I'm irritable. And I feel guilty. Yes, my old friend the big 'g'. I feel guilty because I'm not good company, and because I bail out on plans and obligations, because I resent obligations. I also feel angry because PMS is something that we don't tend to talk about much (in my experience) other than those wry comments to other women. It does not garner empathy or sympathy as an illness might, yet it can be just as debilitating. Periods are dirty and icky and PMS is an excuse for being bitchy. Except that it's not. It really really sucks.
3 Comments:
well hello there ms g funk.
i certainly don't want rude barbie defunct! after reading your post, i feel inclined to post a comment. but not bc of that big 'g word'. rather, your post brought up a lot of interesting questions for me about blogging - the commenting aspect of blogging, that is.
i think that a lot of people read blogs and decide not to post comments. i think that it tells us interesting things about the function of blogs. i don't know what, exactly, bc different people read them for different reasons, and to generalise those reasons is sort of like doing research on the 'audience' within the field of television or communication studies. it's not an impossible venture, but, perhaps, it's worth asking questions about why we want to know what the 'audience' thinks.
i don't read that many blogs (and we all know i'm not the best at posting/contributing to them!). but, the ones that i do read, i wouldn't ever think to post a comment. i guess that makes what i'm writing all the more ironic - or something - but i suppose that choosing to comment or not comment has a direct relationship to how i view blogging/blogs.
i'm aware of the myriad examples of blogs where there seems to be boundless exchanges taking place between blogger(s) and reader(s) - or blogger(s) and bloggers(s) and/or readers. i don't think that anyone would deny that, blogs are (among other things) spaces where dialogues can, and do, take place. indeed, blogs, like yours, oftentimes encourage participation and seek to incite dialogue, oftentimes leading to 'hubs', if you will - little (or not so little) virtual communities or networks. specifically, i'm thinking about the feminist-orientated blogs (of which i'm most familiar) that link up to each other and seem to have wide-reaching conversation tentacles.
yet, despite all this, for me, blogs don't feel like a dialogue. i recognise the conversational elements of blogs. i can also imagine how and why bloggers (and readers) might desire, appreciate and enjoy receiving/reading comments. but what i like about blogs is the anonymity - the sense that you can 'perch' on one blogs fence for a little while, see what the blogger has to say, what they're up to, and then fly off and perch somewhere else. maybe it's a bit selfish - and there's that ever looming probability of liking the voyeristic elements - but i've just sort of always figured that the blogger's didn't care, bc, after all, didn't they sort of count on that happening when they decided to create the blog? i guess that posting a comment interrupts that anonymity, for me. that ability to just 'browse' and not feel obligated.
but, of course, i do know you. so how do i account for not wanting to comment in this particular case? to be honest, i think that it's bc i do understand - and respect - that commenting is a means of engaging in that conversational practice. and understanding that what i decide to contribute will, in effect, become the blog. for me, there's a real sense of responsibility in that. and, i suppose, an unspoken sense of ownership that i don't feel comfortable infringing upon. there are some blogs that i read where i get the impression that the blogger doesn't want comments. whether or not that's true, i don't know. but, i do think that there are sets of unspoken 'rules'. bc they are unspoken, i don't know what they are and i don't want to break them unknowingly and offend. so, i just as well not comment.
i'm glad you spoke of your frustration. it's made me re-think my blog browsing. i'm still off on the whole commenting thing, but at least now i know a bit more about why that's so. and, it's got me thinking, which is great.
on that note, i'm curious: what kinds of comments are you looking for? i don't ask that as a challenge to you personally, i ask it as an intellectual chisel. bc i know you and your interest and investment in this area of inquiry, i ask this of you bc i would imagine that conceptualising the function of comments in blog culture is different than how it feels to be a blogger and have no one commenting.
maybe a way of getting at this would be to consider whether or not you would ever delete a comment. this questions can be approached from severeal different angles. you mentioned that deleting the middle-of-the-night was something you swore you'd never do. this seems to suggest that what gets added to the blog stays. there is power in having the ability to add, edit and delete entries. in many ways, that power falls completely into your hands. but, you make yourself - or, the blog, i should say - malleable when you open it up to comments. you give up some of that power... or do you? another way of approaching this question would be to ask yourself where you draw the line with regard to your own anonymity. for example, if i posted a comment, and you found it hitting a little too close to home, what would you do? would you comment back to my comment? send me a private email? i suppose that it's tricky to negotiate where to draw those lines, and, i suspect, is probably why you were feeling as though you should be blogging about other things - bc it's easier to get comments about controversial news-related things, maybe?
anyway, i've rambled on enough. hope that this provokes at least one or two thoughts. or, at the very least, let's you know that you, and yr blog are provoking thoughts in others.
love to you, ms gxx.
shumi
whew - in a way your comment explains exactly why I like the commenting side of blogging - I like the element of response, and I like how that response pushing me to respond, to the comment itself, to what it makes me think about in terms of what I have written in the first place.
I read a lot of blogs and also comment rarely and I completely identify with what you describe as a kind of voyeristic pleasure in reading blogs and not commenting, in just 'perching' on the blog for a while (love the image).
There is a lot in your comment for me to think about and I thank you for that, - to answer your questions I guess I am looking for comments that provoke me to think further, to challenge what I've written or to express some kind of empathy or identity with what I've written about, to point me towards online sites that might interest me...In a way I think that my frustration does come at least partly from that I have done some theorising about blog-comments, about the creation of those networks and hugs you talked about, and for my theory and practice to diverge so much is unsettling. But then, I don't do things I could do in order to push people to read what I write, or to comment about what I write. And that is a conscious choice also.
Would I ever delete a comment? Yes, I keep meaning to delete a couple of spam comments that have appeared and I wouldn't feel uncomfortable about that. As far as I can think, unless a comment was abusive or if someone who knows me offline gave out information about me that I would rather keep private, I don't think I would delete a comment.
Anyway, as I said at the beginning of this reply, your comment itself answers (for me) the question of 'why want comments' - a very big *thank you* from this blogger and friend.
gxx
Oh - and before I forget - I read somewhere (perhaps Rebecca Blood, I'm not sure) that it's considered bad blogging practice to bitch and complain about not getting comments. My response - for me, a large part of the value of having a blog is being able to write about things I can't write about elsewhere, things that are not considered worthy or suitable subject matter. And staying quiet about something that is on my mind, and also feels relative to blog-related discussion adn theory, jars with that.
Ok. I am one of those people who read your blog but never leave a comment. So, here it goes... I totally hear what you are saying about PMS. It really sucks. I can relate to what you said 100%. It seems like as soon as my period has finished I feel brand new, like I am fresh out of the package. However, by mid-way through my monthly cycle my positive outlook on life has tarnished and my blessings in life become foggy and start to fade. I have trouble staying on my allergy free diet (which is tough at the best of times). I find myself rationalizing about poisoning my body with foods I am allergic to (wheat, dairy, sugar, nuts, soy, yeast). Eating these foods makes my PMS worse. I feel sick on top of the cramps and the bitchiness etc.
So, in a nutshell, it sucks, but getting in touch with your monthly cycle can help keep things in perspective. It does help to talk about these things to make sure you are not completely crazy if nothing else. It is an issue that women are afraid to talk about. But anytime you want some one to talk to I am willing to lend an ear.
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