that girl

The heatwave that has given us lovely long hot summery days this past week in Calgary means that I've been spending a lot of time outside on the front steps of the house, soaking up the sun and shooting the breeze with whoever happens to stop by. On Monday a good friend and I passed the evening with a bottle of vino, a papaya salad, and a lot of conversation. In the course of putting the world to rights we talked a bit about her fear of being, as she put it, 'that girl'. That girl, she described, is the woman who is cheated on or lied to or both, who is the last to know, whose love and devotion and committment to a relationship are not reciprocated. She has been that girl before, and she is terrified of going through the humiliation and dissappointment again.
We talked about the sense of shame that both of had felt at different times when we had felt foolish and betrayed. Neither of us wanted to be that girl because we were ashamed of her vulnerability and weakness. Fuelled by the wine and sun and company, I suggested that perhaps we need to make peace with the that girl inside us. It is curious to me that, although I cannot control the actions of others - for example those of a lover, I still feel that it is my responsibility to prevent myself from being lied-to, cheated on (etc.) and that if someone does leave me or betray me, that I feel ashamed of the soft underbelly of distress and abandonment that I might reveal. Like a lot of Irish people, I seem to be programmed to respond to any 'How are you?' type question with the ubiquitous 'grand!' regardless of what is actually going on in my life. And I think that's more than just a quick reply - it's so easy to let people know your good news or about an achievement, but it can be so difficult to reveal a failure or a sadness. My rejected or failed or depressed self often gets the same treatment as a nasty boil or wart or some such thing - it's hidden, it's not given license to be a part of the 'real' me. We sat out on the front steps, my friend and I, until the sun had long gone down and the air was getting a bit nippy, both of us maybe losing a bit of the fear we have about being ourselves. And I think to myself writing this now, that I really am getting somewhere with myself, that I am learning and growing and all that feel-good stuff. Or perhaps it's just that I give good advice, or am good with the theory of it all and not so much with the acting out of that theory. Perhaps I am cut out for this academic stuff after all...