One for the road

I'm still a member of a Taiwan-related message board, though I rarely check the messages anymore. Tonight I decided to take a look and saw that a foreign English teacher died from injuries sustained in a road accident (it appears that he was driving drunk). The story made me shake my head in frustration and sadness. Drunk driving was a way of life for the ex-pat community I was a part of when I first got to Taiwan, and at first I didn't really question it. Several times I can remember pulling up to my apartment building at 4 or 5am after a heavy night at the bar and chiding myself for driving in such a state. After a couple of years I started relying more and more on cabs and other people seemed to be getting smarter about it with me. Then a friend of ours was brain-damaged in a road accident, driving (aparantly) with no helmet after (apparantly) a huge booze binge. It was amazing that it took this (about three years after I first arrived in Taiwan) to persuade me that it was never worth it to risk my own and others' health for the sake of a couple of dollars cab fare and the hassle of picking up my bike from the bar the next day. I'm a generally cautious person but I know that I'm lucky that I never got into a serious bike accident in Taiwan - I took a lot of stupid risks. It's interesting that I read that story today because only last night I was hanging out with LL - another ex-Taiwaner who has moved back to her hometown of Calgary. Sitting in her apartment, drinking a glass of wine and looking at the mindblowingly amazing painting made by our friend who later got into the brain-damaging accident, we talked about the culture of drink-driving we had existed in. When I think about that guy that just died, or the amazingly talented artist who doesn't make the art he once did, I realise that only fortune separates our fates. I am forever thankful (to my common sense and friends) that I wised up and stopped relying on luck. If any good comes of this fatality, I hope it inspires other people in the community (and beyond if that is possible) not to take those risks. It is simply not worth it.

Happy Merry it's over!

And...exhale!
I'm not a big Christmas person so I'm pretty happy it's all over with (or at least, what I consider to be 'the worst' is over). We had a party Christmas Eve which meant me in near-breakdown mode, mulling wine and wrestling with the overly hot oven to heat pies and make snacks. It all turned out well, not a big turn out and all very grown up (complete with 'proper adults' as my friend Pippy says). Christmas day was a little less hectic as I wasn't doing the cooking honours apart from bringing some dips for dinner. It was all going smoothly until I realised that i had lost the stone from one of my rings just after I made a box of salsa. Cue combing through the salsa with a fork and LJ refusing to bring it in case someone chipped a tooth on the wayward stone. In the end I convinced him that my fork-combing had been thoroughly thorough and we brought it though by that time we were late and straight into the main meal so I don't know if my salsa or cilanto cream dip even got opened (a lesson learned).
Yesterday I lay around in various spots and watched Doctor Who in the evening (which was excellent).
Today it's back to PhD application stuff and perhaps a movie later. Though I would much rather see Walk the Line, Brokeback Mountain, Syriana or Munich, I suspect we will see King Kong (which I couldn't really care less about). LJ is difficult about movies and I will have to make plans to see the others either by myself or with someone else. Despite our disagreements over what to see, he is singularly lucky in that I would pretty much see anything, so much do I love going to the cinema.

Still guilty after all these years

Wow. So, joyandsmiling's comment has given me a lot to think about in terms of interrogating the guilt I was talking about a little futher.
It made me realise that I'm not really being completely honest about the extent to which this is a familiar feeling for me. I'm prone to this feeling that I have identified as guilt. And, though I'm Irish, I can't attribute it to a Catholic upbringing (the oft. mentioned 'catholic guilt'): I never went to church, I haven't even been baptised, and while I did go to a Catholic secondary school, my elementary schooling was at the first non-denominational/co-educational school in Ireland. I'm pretty ambivalent about organised religion, both in ways I'm comfortable with and ways I somewhat regret.
Anyway, I'm pretty certain that I was a 'guilty' little girl. My younger sister is disabled and I think that I have always felt a little bit (and maybe more) guilty for being "normal". I'm sure this predisposition on my part (and it is something I am working on!) plays some part in what's still going on today.
Reading the different definitions of guilt in joyand smiling's comment, this is the one that I identify with the most:

Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

While I own this feeling as something I am, at least, in large part in control of; I also believe that this relates strongly to what Minerva referred to as

a factor of women's inequality generally - we can never do enough or be enough to be 'right' since we are, by definition, Other to what is right.

In this way, though my feeling is certainly one that is defined by my particular perspective and history, I believe it is also one that exists outside of me and is, to a certain extent, shared.
Anyway, I was thinking...and I began to relate the idea of not doing enough/being enough to the thought that I often (um...perhaps...always...) find it really hard to assess my own performance. Though I absolutely hate to admit it, I often value the opinions of others re: my productivity/performance more than my own. Yuck. I'm a horrible approval-seeker. Not really...but, kinda. Lately I've been exceptionally concerned with my own productivity and this is where the housework thing comes in. As I said before, this is the first time that I have been working at home, with the knowledge that I will be doing so for some time to come. I guess that in an outside-the-home workplace, there are tangible signs of value: promotions, pay increases, formal recognition in project completion etc... I spent 4 or so years working in IT and, while the job ultimately wasn't for me, I did feel a certain confidence in my professional identity. As a teacher, my students were always pretty clear about whether they enjoyed the lesson or not (and their progress marked my own). Some classes I left feeling really drained, and others energised. I learned quickly what worked and what didn't. I learned a lot. Being a student again was much the same: I had grades and feedback from faculty as well as classmates.
In my current role, I don't have a boss or students or a supervisor to please, I don't have the milestones of promotion, graduation, or student successes to tell me I am doing something right either. Used to looking to these sources for affirmation (sad I know), I've been doing the same with my current work. And when the praise is not forthcoming, I take it as a sign that I'm not doing enough, or doing enough well enough. Interesting.
Actually, what is more interesting is that this all sounds very familiar. I'm sure I've read about and even talked about these very ideas before. But always in 'theory'. Experiencing this first-hand is teaching me a lot about both myself and my cultural context. It's also really f***ing weird.
Something has to give. I have to figure out a way to change this.

Where does the guilt come from?

For the first time in my thirty years I'm working at home on the home. Not inbetween jobs outside the home. While I am thinking about the next move in terms of education, I am also living overseas and do not yet have a permit to work. My partner and I are rennovating his mother's old house and while he goes out to work, I stay at home to do the house work. My days are busy: sure I keep the television or radio on for noise and company, but I rarely stop to watch or sit. There have been doors and window frames to paint, a kitchen counter to replace, backsplash to tile, furry grunge to scrape from cupboards and bathrooms, and a mouse infested basement to attend to. Much has been accomplished in the two months since we set up shop in Canada. I really enjoy cooking and have taken pride in producing healthy and yummy meals at dinner time and have kept on top of the laundry (which must, unfortunately be done in the mousey basement). I enjoy the work, I love watching the house begin to look better and better, I am not in way, shape, or form bored. Despite that, I feel guilty. Initially I thought that this had more to do with the reactions of others to my housewifery. I felt that they imagine me skulking around the house, sleeping too late, leaving piles of chores unattended to, renaging on my 'duties'. I have been guilty all the time.
While cleaning the kitchen floor yesterday I began to interrogate this guilt. My initial reaction was to be defensive. People were 'making' me feel guilty. They expected too much, did not appreciate enough, were too critical. What particularly irked were their attempts to 'get' me 'out of the house'. This was doubly frustrating given my perception of the inadequacy of the work I was doing in and around the house: I was not doing enough in the house, but being in the house also wasn't enough in itself. Or so I imagined 'they' were thinking.
Directing my frustration towards those around me has morphed my guilt into a kind of anger which is both only partially and temporarily effective. When the rush of anger has passed, I still feel guilty.

So, I've started to take a different approach and wondering if the guilt actually comes more from myself than I thought it did, that it comes out of an acceptance/assumption of a non-feminist reality and that this implicates me as much as the 'others'. What I mean, is that I assume that other people devalue housework which means that on some level I accept that reality. I have, much as I hate to admit it, bought into many of the concepts of success for women who work in the home, for women in relationships with men, for women in their own families and in the families of their partners.
I clearly need to think about this some more...

gender forum

Via Netwoman, gender forum is an electronic journal "dedicated to the to discussion of women's and gender studies." gender forum comes out of gender Inn, a searchable database of over eight thousand records of Feminist theory, gender and queer studies, feminist literary criticism, and gender-related literature. Woo-hoo! At times like this, when I no longer have access to a wonderful University library, resources like this are extra-valuable.

Shumi branches out

I have been meaning to post this forever, and now that I'm firmly gripped by blogging fervour again I'm catching up...Shumi has flown the nest and set up her own blog. Though she's been quiet of late, her early entries are typically fabulous examples of her musings. Check out glimpse. Here's hoping she'll still guest-blog here from time to time.

Awesome/Awful Christians

Dolly shows that being Christian does not necessarily go hand in hand with being judgemental. Unlike the Weaver family, who fortunately did not win The Amazing Race: Family Edition this week.

Rolling balls

So, two things have happened to lift my spirits today. First, I actually started writing something about my domestic situation, started teasing out ideas and relating them to questions that came up in the classroom last year. Feeling some momentum, I decided to put both my bloggy and non-bloggy writing projects on the same track and, to keep the ball rolling, to move my self-imposed deadline forward, to this Saturday. I'll be theorising some more about my life as a housewife/homemaker/domestic engineer (whatever you choose to call it).

The second thing that happened was that I received an awesome comment from Minerva (see the comments from the previous post). Not only did this inspire me to pursue this subject further, it also confirmed a lot of the theory I was playing with in my MA dissertation. There, I argued that part of what constituted the value and opportunity of blogs/blogging for feminists was the way comments and hyperlinks worked to make blogs active, activist, and collaborative texts. Comments and links within the texts allow blogs to manifest their collaborations far more explicitly than do traditional methods of publishing. In my experience as a student, and as a professional, I have always felt an underlying pressure to claim ownership of my work. Where that work is writing, words and ideas are its currency. This onus on individual accomplishment (of which the doctoral thesis is an excellent example) discourages and often devalues collaborative work. Not only do comments and links make blogs more collaborative texts, they also extend the blogger's network, vital for feminists in terms of creating connections and promoting activism. Minerva's comment offered support and food for thought with regards to my current situation, whilst also reviving my passion for blogging and blog-theory. Thank you!

Danger Danger!

Following LJ's observations of my behavior lately and a few nagging thoughts of my own, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm sliding a bit into a slump. I do hope not. Thing is, I'm happy to have plenty of time to putter but I'm wondering if I'm getting stressed about my puttering and also if it's having a negative effect on my relationship now that LJ is working. I mean, my days are productive. I haven't spent a whole day watching TV in my pajamas (though I have fantasised about it). I have produced healthy, delicious dinners. I have cleaned and fixed and painted and done laundry and worked on my resume and moved the snow off the front path. But I have this sense of guilt that I haven't actually done anything. Everytime LJ's mum comes by she seems to notice something that I haven't done that I perhaps should have and, while I'm sure she doesn't mean it that way, I feel it's a criticism of how I spend my time. Am I a neurotic housewife?
So, in order to avoid this anxiety leading me into a slumpy slump I am going to...avoid it. If I keep doing what I'm doing (even though part of me is fine with it) I am concerned I'll get caught in the big bad spiral. In order to avoid this, I'm going to give myself writing projects so I feel as though I'm actually doing something for me, something outside of the home if you know what I mean. One blogging writing project and one non-blogging writing project. I have a week to complete both and the deadline for the first two will be...next Wednesday.
Tomorrow I will post the title of my blogging writing project. Any suggestions are, of course, welcome.
BTW: it is interesting that I feel this way about my position as a homemaker. It's certainly true that I feel as though the work I am doing is not valued, that there is an assumption that I couldn't possibly find it 'enough' or that it couldn't be 'enough'. The same part of me feels that it would be just fine if everyone would leave me alone but I also see my behavior changing towards LJ and I don't like what I see. At least if I'm writing I will have an outlet. Plus it's what I keep saying I want to do!

Isn't She Lovely?

Ta-dah! Our very gorgeous spice rack, bought for $2.50 at a church sale. Church sales rock!

Oh Happy Day

All of this house-keeping stuff appears to be conspiring with my ridiculous addiction to reality TV to keep me away from blogging. It is extra-silly that this is the case as I have been doing some good thinking as I sand and spackle and sand and paint (repeat times ten).
On Tuesday the news came that I have been awarded my MA ... with Distinction! I had dreamed, I had hoped, I had worked my ass off and now it is a reality. I'm utterly delighted. I really really worried that I had somehow missed the mark but I'm so pleased that it worked out.
To celebrate, tonight (following the prep. of the kitchen for tiling tomorrow) I'm going to have some yummy Vietnamese soup for dinner. I really can't get enough of the stuff. Which worries me because I am faddy with food, and I do over-do it on those things that tickle my tastebuds and then can't have them for a while. And the thought of no Pho tai makes me sad.
I'm working on my PhD application too. Which makes me excited because I have finally admitted to myself that this is what I want to do and what I can do. For some reason I always thought that I had to go in another direction because being an academic was somehow unrealistic. To be honest, the 'being an academic' thing isn't even the necessary outcome. I just want to study more, I want to teach, I want to be in that environment to find out more about the things I find so interesting. I want to follow the threads of thought and idea that roll around in my head and see where they go. I want to tease them out and examine them and follow where they lead me. I want to be self-critical. I want to question and question and question and not put it off any longer!

ETA: I just re-read this and I can't believe my self-absorbtion! Before I put this tangent down I should mention that perhaps the very best-est part of last year was what I learned from others - faculty and fellow students, books, papers... I learned so much in content and how to address and frame my own questions, and how other people's questions are so so interesting in that they focussed me on areas that I would never have approached by myself.

Spice rack picture later today. It is a beautiful thing.